What a year it was, memorable to say the least.
Personally I found 2011 full of huge highs and deep lows, I for one hope that 2012 doesn’t contain so many instances of change, I much prefer the Status Quo.
January saw me finally getting an interview after nearly two years out of work, what was even better I got the job! I cannot stress how demoralising that period of my life was, the constant rejections, most of the time not even getting a letter of acknowledgement from thirty or forty applications each month. Plus the demeaning trip to the Job Centre to be treated like a naughty child who wasn’t doing enough to get his gold star for his homework, then being sent home feeling even more battered with the measly handout that is deemed enough to live on. I’d like to see Cameron try to live on £60 a week.
But that is now behind me, I found gainful employment, not a fantastic paying job, but it does allow me to start paying off my debts and not rely on 10p noodles as my main source of nourishment.
I was exceptionally lucky and thankful to my friends Lorna and Rob, they generously donated a car to my cause, making my trip to work much easier, a now paltry ten minutes instead of an hour for a six mile journey, the joys of public transport, but also easing up those little things that you never think of until you don’t have access to your own transport. The weekly food shop, laundry or simply being able to get somewhere quickly. It also gave me a little breathing space and time to save for a car more suited to my needs instead of having to buy a banger. For this I will forever be grateful and in their debt.
The Summer bought some terrible news, my father was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. Within about two months of complaining of a pain in his back he sadly passed away. A blessing it was so quick, but I would never wish upon someone to die in such a fashion, nor for anyone to have to watch helplessly as the inevitable happened. I will forever remember the long train journey to Wales, looking out across the sea, knowing full well why I was traveling that day.
On a lighter note, I managed to avoid the bailiffs, I’ve even managed to scrimp and save to buy a few things for myself, the main one being ‘The Monster’, a Volvo C70. A really posh car for me, but it was cheap and I could just about afford to run it. Its managed to take me back to Wales and back a few times, so I reckon it was a good buy.
I also managed to save enough to buy myself an iPad, I cannot stress how much I love this gadget. I barely use my laptop now, my portal to the web is the iPad. I urge you all to buy one, you won’t regret it. In hindsight it was probably a foolish buy at the time as it was uncertain if I would keep my job, I was simply covering maternity leave so I was expecting to be job-searching all over again. But I must have impressed someone out there, or maybe all my bad luck over the last couple of years meant that I was due some good karma, but I was kept on, much to my delight.
So life was looking pretty peachy heading towards Christmas, them mum took a tumble and broke her leg, due to her age this frightened the shit out of the whole family, but this seemed to have been a blessing in disguise because they replaced her hip whilst repairing her femur, otherwise she would have had to wait another year for such an operation. Mind you, if she didn’t have to wait so long she wouldn’t have fallen, go figure! She was home within a fortnight but hobbling on crutches, so I ended up having to cook Christmas dinner. I think it went down alright, nobody died of food poisoning anyway.
So, onwards to 2012, the year we all die in a fiery cataclysm if the Mayans are correct, or maybe not, so there is no excuse not to live your life to its fullest. I for one wish for a less eventful year but one full of promise. Let’s see how it turns out.
I do keep being asked to write more, I really do not know why. Bowing down to the barrage of online urges, here’s another small excerpt. Perhaps not one that will make you laugh or rile your sensibilities, but one to make you think, perhaps not about me, but others.
I dreamed once that I would be killed in a violent fashion. I was walking down a set of stairs in Wales, I was stabbed in the chest, I fought back, as I would, but eventually fell. During this dream I felt each blow, especially the stab, but also the draining of my life blood, so much so, I awoke in a horror. That feeling stuck with me for a long time, it made me careful.
It wasn’t a scary dream, it was just painful at the moment and shit me up due to feeling my being draining away. I awoke still feeling the stab wound.
Today, my life has changed, I’m no longer in a confrontational situation/lifestyle, my dreams have changed. I’m now more afraid of dying without anyone noticing.
My choices and lifestyle have left me without the privilege of children to look after me, no wife or girlfriend to care if something happens to me, no friends that would miss me if I didn’t answer the phone or didn’t walk into the pub one evening. I expect if I didn’t turn up for work it would take weeks for someone to even wonder where the fuck I was.
But choices are choices. I do not have to be the hermit I am, I just prefer to be so at the moment. When something entices my attention, be sure I will enjoy it.
I haven’t been spurred to write anything for ages, nothing has riled me enough to warrant a rant, but today, two stories that have been mentioned in the news have wound me up no end!
Yes folks, not one, but two stories.
Exhibit one: The EU have decreed that water can no longer be described as hydrating.
You what?!?! A group of scientists without an ounce of common sense between them have come to the conclusion after a three year study that water is not a hydrating substance! Of course, this is all to do with the claims that manufacturers make upon their products, but to say that a bottle of water does not hydrate the body is like saying that oxygen is not mandatory for living. It’s totally ludicrous to think otherwise! I swear to all that is almighty that these bureaucrats need to find a life, perhaps a sexlife, so the rest of us can carry on living in the land of the sane.
Exhibit Two: US Congress declare Pizza a vegetable! Ok, this one does sound as crazy as it’s meant to. The tomato paste on the pizza makes it a vegetable, of course, how on earth could I miss that fact! One large spoon of tomato paste on bread, covered in multiple toppings and cheese, yes, a vegetable. Next thing you will find is that cabbage is in fact a small dalmatian in disguise and owners of said cabbages can be taken to court for making coleslaw out of their pets.
Has this world gone utterly bonkers?
I think it has. I beg the Universe to take me off this stupidity ridden planet, one way or another, so I can exist with a mediocum of common sense and logic.
I have an innate ability that I have found that nobody else seems to have mastered, the ability to stop hiccups at will.
Obviously, if I wanted a superhero ability, I’d prefer the ability to keep an erection long enough to satisfy a total slut, or perhaps the ability to be insanely attractive regardless of what bitches think. Ooh, I think I was slightly chauvinistic there…
Anyhow, onto the hiccups, I’m sure you sufferers would like to know. Well, email your bank account details to… No, I’m not that cruel.
Here’s the rub, you must first understand what is happening to your body, your diaphragm is in spasm, many causes, who cares, you are hiccuping. So, what do you do, drop a key down your back? Get someone to scare you? Take a drink from the other side of a glass? Take a dump back to front on the throne? No.
Treat your diaphragm as a muscle in cramp, you need to relax it, don’t hold your breath until you turn blue, don’t beat yourself on the chest like King Kong. In fact follow KoA’s cure all, available for £1.99 at all good retail stockists.
What I do is a simple exercise, I breathe in as far as I can slowly, I then breathe out slowly. Do this three times and bugger me sideways, I’m cured! Obviously this will not work for everyone, but remember the biology of what is happening, it just calls for some control, and if you are not in control of your own body, then you deserve to suffer.
Kind regards.. :P
You may have noticed that I don’t blog very often any more.
It’s true, and I keep promising to write more when my avid readers engage with me. To be true I have a vast amount of stories to tell, i just don’t feel the need to share at the moment. The social network explosion has put an end to the closeness that we bloggers had a few years ago, which is a shame.
However!
I will share the fact that I have bought a car, a car that initially was cheap, half the price it should be, so I’m already saving money! :D The insurance quotes I had before buying the car were very near to what I was paying already, so I plunged right in, as you do, a bargain, buy buy buy!
On purchasing this gem, I now find that I’m uninsurable on the fecker, the premium goes from a lovely average of fifty notes to almost double that. Thank you insurance companies for misrepresenting your quotes you bastards!
I would never have bought this car knowing the cost of my insurance, now I’m stuck. I will obviously write letters to various cunts to piss them off, I like doing that, it makes my weekend. After all, if you can manage to get a pound of flesh off the devil, its always worth getting your grater out. :D