You Can’t Make This Shit Up!

I haven’t been spurred to write anything for ages, nothing has riled me enough to warrant a rant, but today, two stories that have been mentioned in the news have wound me up no end! 

Yes folks, not one, but two stories. 

Exhibit one: The EU have decreed that water can no longer be described as hydrating.

You what?!?! A group of scientists without an ounce of common sense between them have come to the conclusion after a three year study that water is not a hydrating substance! Of course, this is all to do with the claims that manufacturers make upon their products, but to say that a bottle of water does not hydrate the body is like saying that oxygen is not mandatory for living. It’s totally ludicrous to think otherwise! I swear to all that is almighty that these bureaucrats need to find a life, perhaps a sexlife, so the rest of us can carry on living in the land of the sane.

Exhibit Two: US Congress declare Pizza a vegetable! Ok, this one does sound as crazy as it’s meant to. The tomato paste on the pizza makes it a vegetable, of course, how on earth could I miss that fact! One large spoon of tomato paste on bread, covered in multiple toppings and cheese, yes, a vegetable. Next thing you will find is that cabbage is in fact a small dalmatian in disguise and owners of said cabbages can be taken to court for making coleslaw out of their pets.

Has this world gone utterly bonkers? 

I think it has. I beg the Universe to take me off this stupidity ridden planet, one way or another, so I can exist with a mediocum of common sense and logic.

Hiccups

I have an innate ability that I have found that nobody else seems to have mastered, the ability to stop hiccups at will. 

Obviously, if I wanted a superhero ability, I’d prefer the ability to keep an erection long enough to satisfy a total slut, or perhaps the ability to be insanely attractive regardless of what bitches think. Ooh, I think I was slightly chauvinistic there…

Anyhow, onto the hiccups, I’m sure you sufferers would like to know. Well, email your bank account details to… No, I’m not that cruel. 

Here’s the rub, you must first understand what is happening to your body, your diaphragm is in spasm, many causes, who cares, you are hiccuping. So, what do you do, drop a key down your back? Get someone to scare you? Take a drink from the other side of a glass? Take a dump back to front on the throne? No.

Treat your diaphragm as a muscle in cramp, you need to relax it, don’t hold your breath until you turn blue, don’t beat yourself on the chest like King Kong. In fact follow KoA’s cure all, available for £1.99 at all good retail stockists. 

What I do is a simple exercise, I breathe in as far as I can slowly, I then breathe out slowly. Do this three times and bugger me sideways, I’m cured! Obviously this will not work for everyone, but remember the biology of what is happening, it just calls for some control, and if you are not in control of your own body, then you deserve to suffer. 

Kind regards.. :P

No Longer Playing the Game

You may have noticed that I don’t blog very often any more. 

It’s true, and I keep promising to write more when my avid readers engage with me. To be true I have a vast amount of stories to tell, i just don’t feel the need to share at the moment. The social network explosion has put an end to the closeness that we bloggers had a few years ago, which is a shame.

However! 

I will share the fact that I have bought a car, a car that initially was cheap, half the price it should be, so I’m already saving money! :D The insurance quotes I had before buying the car were very near to what I was paying already, so I plunged right in, as you do, a bargain, buy buy buy! 

On purchasing this gem, I now find that I’m uninsurable on the fecker, the premium goes from a lovely average of fifty notes to almost double that. Thank you insurance companies for misrepresenting your quotes you bastards! 

I would never have bought this car knowing the cost of my insurance, now I’m stuck. I will obviously write letters to various cunts to piss them off, I like doing that, it makes my weekend. After all, if you can manage to get a pound of flesh off the devil, its always worth getting your grater out. :D

Difficult Times

It’s been a difficult few days I must admit. Getting a phonecall at work late Thursday afternoon saying that I need to get my arse to North Wales because dad was getting worse. So I book my train ticket for Friday morning and as I was traveling through mid-Wales another phonecall, he’s very bad, a family member will be there at the station to rush you over to the hospital.

Typically, he perked up by the time I got there, so I did get to spend some time with him, although he wasn’t making much sense as the morphine was obviously taking effect. 

It’s a terrible thing to see a loved one die, I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone, but even worse when your loved one has lung cancer. Having to watch him as he struggled to breathe, the feeling of utter helplessness is all encompassing. All I could do was hold is hand. Luckily all three of my sisters have a nursing background and were amazing with him, taking shifts around the clock to look after him.

When the end came he was quite peaceful, which was a blessing. 

My Name

When I’m bored I like to play with fonts. Yeah, I know, nerd!

Anyhow, I’ve had a lot of fun with Google Translate with my name. I have for instance found out that my Latin name would be Vitus Williams. Me! Vitus lol

Amongst the other things, I like to see is how my name looks in different scripts, and this is my favourite. Persian. 

Lovely isn’t it.